My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
this FaceApp is creepy af
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.