My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.