My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*jingles half the way*
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone鈥檚 shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William