Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A completely valid reaction tbh

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.