Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.