Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg