Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.