My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.