My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
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Art by Pastelkatto
New Tinder profile.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Take care of yourself, ladies
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.