My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN