My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
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DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.