My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
You Might Also Like
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
what’s in a name?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness