Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!