Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

I’m having an out of money experience.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.