My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I saw nothing
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.