My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.