Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Ion see the issue