Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Hmmmmmmm….

this year felt like being awake during surgery

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Only you can prevent podcasts

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Pee pressure > peer pressure

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.