My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.