My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination