My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Meeeee too!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
🤣🤣🤣
