Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

i’m still crying at this

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Matt Goss

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?