My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Expect the unexporcupine.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
I’m literally crying
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist