My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Raisins are grape jerky.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
When I grow up, I want to be 16
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?