my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“A little help here, Danny?”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Damn what did I do next
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!