my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Seems legit
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
whenever i wake up before my alarm
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*