My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You Might Also Like
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”