My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*