Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Bruh

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

taking June’s advice to heart