Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat is stressing him out.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up