Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

The dark side of Canada

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.