Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid