My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Drilling for oil is well boring.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?