Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell