My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I didn’t know they can drive…
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons