*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand
*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My dad refused to dance at his own wedding.
Anyway this is quarantine day 5
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.