My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies