Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

good news everyone

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.