My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Saturday
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh