My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”