Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

moms in horror movies

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*