My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’