Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fluff me with a fork baby

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Finally! 😈

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Received some very disappointing news today

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.