My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
lumberjacks will cut a birch
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK