Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Yoga Matt

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

SCARY COSTUME

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

I love snow

– People who never shovel

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.