My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
🤣😂
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*