If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Only a mother’s love …
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”