My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.