Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

The A string on my guit_r is flat

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.