Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.