My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
BRO LMFAO
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.