My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds