Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.