My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Well, this is awkward
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
ready to be harvested
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period