My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.