Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.