My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
That’s amazing.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa