@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

- @Darlainky

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@bobvulfov

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@Darlainky

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min