my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.