my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
watergate? u mean a dam??
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.