my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like āgood lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????ā and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off š
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He wonāt fight & you donāt need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I donāt respect Aquaman, because I canāt respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I love it when I see an old friend I havenāt seen in years and pretend to not see them
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Fehā¦Iāll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Iām not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to āI CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVEā. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
Māallard!
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasnāt the thing that killed him
I just broke two of my dadās old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely donāt think itās weird, itās so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but Iām gonna let that one ride for a while.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Happy: So thereās saliva on the foot area of Snow Whiteās glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you havenāt tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you donāt know what youāre missing.
āDonāt judge a book by its coverā is the worst advice ever.
Thatās literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and letās just say I can relate
Itās been a few days now but Iām still thinking about this
*Answers door naked*
Jehovahās Witnessesā¦ š²
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: Iāve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Optimus Primeās mom walking in on him while heās carjacking