My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
You Might Also Like
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma