Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

THE DOG😭😭💀

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors