Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”