My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course