My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.