My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
LA today:
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.