My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You Might Also Like
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B