My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
my mom making me talk to relatives
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.