My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
wait.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.