My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
ew if literal: let me be clear
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back