My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
You Might Also Like
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
This hospital has everything
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”