My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off