Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

crazy

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?