Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.