Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

awkward

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box