My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I know
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt